Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handful of odds and ends to ponder over.
If all the world is one big stage, where are the people sitting?.
Shin - A gadget for finding furniture and anything else in the dark!.
Is beauty in the eye of the beer holder?.
For Sale: Parachute, one owner, only used once, never opened, small stain!.
Do ya reckon its true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?.
What did God do when he rested on the seventh day?.
When you decamp from the Dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash your hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Frozen, An Egg and Further Away.
So wrap ya laughing gear around the lot and enjoy the ride.
Waiter, waiter this ceaser salad is Frozen solid, says Dean Diner.
Yes sir, its the iceberg lettuce that does it, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Q: What is a unidentified flying omelet?.
A: An Egg from outer space!.
At the Contention City Council Larry Lavender lands a job as a road line painter.
On his first day Larry paints a line five kilometres long, two kilometres long on the second and only one kilometre long on the third day.
Your getting worse each day cobber, screams Fred Foreman.
That's because the paint bucket gets further and further and Further Away from me each day!, replies Larry.
Join me next Thursday Morning for Perched On The Dunny Pondering, it'll rattle ya brainbox big time, see ya then.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around the lot and enjoy the ride.
Waiter, waiter this ceaser salad is Frozen solid, says Dean Diner.
Yes sir, its the iceberg lettuce that does it, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Q: What is a unidentified flying omelet?.
A: An Egg from outer space!.
At the Contention City Council Larry Lavender lands a job as a road line painter.
On his first day Larry paints a line five kilometres long, two kilometres long on the second and only one kilometre long on the third day.
Your getting worse each day cobber, screams Fred Foreman.
That's because the paint bucket gets further and further and Further Away from me each day!, replies Larry.
Join me next Thursday Morning for Perched On The Dunny Pondering, it'll rattle ya brainbox big time, see ya then.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Funky Anagrams.
What is an Anagram?, its a word or phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.
Rearrange EVENGELIST and you get: EVIL'S AGENT.
Rearrange FUNERAL and you get: REAL FUN.
Rearrange PARIS, FRANCE and you get: A FINER SCRAP.
Rearrange SPICE GIRLS and you get: PIG SLICES!.
Rearrange I HATE SCHOOL and you get: OH SO ETHICAL!.
Rearrange PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA and you get: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS!.
Join me next Thursday Morning for Perched On The Dunny Pondering, it'll rattle ya brainbox big time, see ya then.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Rearrange EVENGELIST and you get: EVIL'S AGENT.
Rearrange FUNERAL and you get: REAL FUN.
Rearrange PARIS, FRANCE and you get: A FINER SCRAP.
Rearrange SPICE GIRLS and you get: PIG SLICES!.
Rearrange I HATE SCHOOL and you get: OH SO ETHICAL!.
Rearrange PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA and you get: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS!.
Join me next Thursday Morning for Perched On The Dunny Pondering, it'll rattle ya brainbox big time, see ya then.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0112: Beginning.
In the Beginning.
In a world devoid of light.
There was only night.
I'll be resting Fair Dinkum Haiku for now.
Instead join me next Thursday Morning for Perched On The Dunny Pondering, see ya then.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Cake, Shells and Around The Twist.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Which Cake wanted to rule the world?.
A: Attila the bun!.
Q: How do snails get their Shells so shiny?.
A: With snail polish!.
Doctor, doctor can ya help me?, i keep having these alternating recurring dreams, says Paula Patient.
Ok tell me about you dreams, replies Doctor Derek.
First i'm a tee pee, then a wig wam, then a tee pee again, then a wig wam again, and so on, its starting to drive me Around The Twist.
You know what your problem is?.
No!.
You're twotents!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
Coming soon Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Which Cake wanted to rule the world?.
A: Attila the bun!.
Q: How do snails get their Shells so shiny?.
A: With snail polish!.
Doctor, doctor can ya help me?, i keep having these alternating recurring dreams, says Paula Patient.
Ok tell me about you dreams, replies Doctor Derek.
First i'm a tee pee, then a wig wam, then a tee pee again, then a wig wam again, and so on, its starting to drive me Around The Twist.
You know what your problem is?.
No!.
You're twotents!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
Coming soon Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Witty Answering Machine Messages.
(Just imagine this being said in a Darth Vader voice) Speak!, ya worm!.
G' Day, Wilburs answering machine is on the blink, this is his fridge speaking, please speak very slowly and i'll stick your message to myself with one of those sticky yellow post it notes!.
Now i lay me down to sleep
leave your message after the beep.
Should i pass away before i wake
please remember to erase the tape!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Coming soon Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
G' Day, Wilburs answering machine is on the blink, this is his fridge speaking, please speak very slowly and i'll stick your message to myself with one of those sticky yellow post it notes!.
Now i lay me down to sleep
leave your message after the beep.
Should i pass away before i wake
please remember to erase the tape!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Coming soon Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0111: Depraved.
With my loveless heart.
Scared and alone in the dark.
I've Depraved myself.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Legs, Custard and A Parking Space.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is a sentrypede?.
A: A security guard with a hundred Legs!.
How disgusting there's a fly in my Custard, screams Deanna Diner.
I'll fetch him a spoon, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Jade Juniper is running late for the Contention Country Womens Association monthly meeting and is having no luck locating A Parking Space.
Looking toward the heavens Jade cries out asking the lord to locate her A Parking Space and says, I promise cross my heart that i'll attend mass every sunday and never ever sin again for the rest of my life.
Then lo and behold A Parking Space turns up out of no where.
Never mind lord cancel that, i've found A Parking Space!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is a sentrypede?.
A: A security guard with a hundred Legs!.
How disgusting there's a fly in my Custard, screams Deanna Diner.
I'll fetch him a spoon, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Jade Juniper is running late for the Contention Country Womens Association monthly meeting and is having no luck locating A Parking Space.
Looking toward the heavens Jade cries out asking the lord to locate her A Parking Space and says, I promise cross my heart that i'll attend mass every sunday and never ever sin again for the rest of my life.
Then lo and behold A Parking Space turns up out of no where.
Never mind lord cancel that, i've found A Parking Space!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
A Bonza Jest: White Collar Crime.
Everyone is seated in court room 13 in the Contention Court House waiting for the jury to return and deliver its verdict in the case against Daniel Dandelion whose a stockbroker and is on trial for fraud and insider trading.
After many hours of deliberation the jury have finally reached a verdict and are now rolling into court room 13 and have been seated in the jury box.
Judge Judith Juniper asks, How do you find the accused Daniel Dandelion on the charge of fraud?, guilty or not guilty?.
Rising from his seat is George Green the jury foreperson and replies, we the jury find the accused Daniel Dandelion guilty as charged your worship.
How do you find the accused on the charge of insider trading?, guilty or not guilty?.
Guilty as charged your worship.
Would the prisoner please rise and do you have anything to say?.
No your worship.
Very well i sentence you to 5 years in gaol with a minimum of 3 years in the Contention Prison.
Five hours later Daniel arrives at the Contention Prison in a cramped prison van and is hustled through the usual checks, changes into prison garb, then escorted by a prison guard to his shared prison cell where he will spend the next 3 years of his life.
Nervous, Daniel is shoved into his shared prison cell by the prison guard who in turn slams the cell door shut with a loud clang.
Lying on one of the two beds with his hands behind his head is Ralph Rose. A scruffy looking fella covered in tatts with a mean scar face and balding head.
So what are you in for mate?, asks Daniel.
Just like you i'm in here for a White Collar Crime too, replies Ralph.
I'm in here for fraud and insider trading of which i'm innocent.
Yep, this place is full of innocent people.
What type of White Collar Crime are you convicted of?.
Nothing classy as you, i just tortured and bumped off two paedophile men of the cloth who molested and abused me when i was a little tacker for many, many years while in their care.
They got what they deserved is that what your saying?.
Absolutely spot on cobber.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
After many hours of deliberation the jury have finally reached a verdict and are now rolling into court room 13 and have been seated in the jury box.
Judge Judith Juniper asks, How do you find the accused Daniel Dandelion on the charge of fraud?, guilty or not guilty?.
Rising from his seat is George Green the jury foreperson and replies, we the jury find the accused Daniel Dandelion guilty as charged your worship.
How do you find the accused on the charge of insider trading?, guilty or not guilty?.
Guilty as charged your worship.
Would the prisoner please rise and do you have anything to say?.
No your worship.
Very well i sentence you to 5 years in gaol with a minimum of 3 years in the Contention Prison.
Five hours later Daniel arrives at the Contention Prison in a cramped prison van and is hustled through the usual checks, changes into prison garb, then escorted by a prison guard to his shared prison cell where he will spend the next 3 years of his life.
Nervous, Daniel is shoved into his shared prison cell by the prison guard who in turn slams the cell door shut with a loud clang.
Lying on one of the two beds with his hands behind his head is Ralph Rose. A scruffy looking fella covered in tatts with a mean scar face and balding head.
So what are you in for mate?, asks Daniel.
Just like you i'm in here for a White Collar Crime too, replies Ralph.
I'm in here for fraud and insider trading of which i'm innocent.
Yep, this place is full of innocent people.
What type of White Collar Crime are you convicted of?.
Nothing classy as you, i just tortured and bumped off two paedophile men of the cloth who molested and abused me when i was a little tacker for many, many years while in their care.
They got what they deserved is that what your saying?.
Absolutely spot on cobber.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0110: Hurst.
Potted fern forest.
Merges with banksia Hurst.
Clotted with spent cones.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Tails, War and A Light Bulb.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do dogs wag their Tails?.
A: Because no one else will do it for them!.
Q: How does a octopus go to War?.
A: Well armed!.
Q: How many members of a political party does it take to change A Light Bulb?.
A: A spokesperson said, we are not at liberty to comment on exact numbers at this time!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do dogs wag their Tails?.
A: Because no one else will do it for them!.
Q: How does a octopus go to War?.
A: Well armed!.
Q: How many members of a political party does it take to change A Light Bulb?.
A: A spokesperson said, we are not at liberty to comment on exact numbers at this time!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
Enchanted Wonderland.
I'm a little bit weary.
Feeling kinda fuzzy
need to rest my
bloodshot, bleary eyes.
When i go into my
deep slumber
i dream of an
Enchanted Wonderland.
In my dream i'm
strolling along a
chocolate block path
surrounded by
licorice twist trees.
A carpet of fairy
floss lawn.
Bushes of swirling
rainbow lollipops
on a stick.
Giant pock-marked
gobstopper rocks.
Pint-sized pearly
stones spread
all around.
I raise my head
toward the skies
and spot to my
delight and bliss
a egg yoke sun
shining through
marshmallow clouds.
Hordes of chattering
purple baby dragons
gliding across
blueberry skies.
Hanging faintly
on the horizon a
tinged and elegant
banana moon
smiling at me.
At the end of the
chocolate block path
i gaze in wonder at
the gingerbread
house before me.
Up the cobbled jelly
bean path i stroll,
peek through the open
window and behold
gingerbread dwarves.
A fairy godmother with
delicate icing sugar wings.
A wizard grasping a
pretzel wand.
Children playing
games with glee
i think this a place
i wanna be for all
lifes eternity.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Feeling kinda fuzzy
need to rest my
bloodshot, bleary eyes.
When i go into my
deep slumber
i dream of an
Enchanted Wonderland.
In my dream i'm
strolling along a
chocolate block path
surrounded by
licorice twist trees.
A carpet of fairy
floss lawn.
Bushes of swirling
rainbow lollipops
on a stick.
Giant pock-marked
gobstopper rocks.
Pint-sized pearly
stones spread
all around.
I raise my head
toward the skies
and spot to my
delight and bliss
a egg yoke sun
shining through
marshmallow clouds.
Hordes of chattering
purple baby dragons
gliding across
blueberry skies.
Hanging faintly
on the horizon a
tinged and elegant
banana moon
smiling at me.
At the end of the
chocolate block path
i gaze in wonder at
the gingerbread
house before me.
Up the cobbled jelly
bean path i stroll,
peek through the open
window and behold
gingerbread dwarves.
A fairy godmother with
delicate icing sugar wings.
A wizard grasping a
pretzel wand.
Children playing
games with glee
i think this a place
i wanna be for all
lifes eternity.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0109: Ocean.
Hypnotic swells reel.
Onto seductive sand dunes.
From stellar Ocean.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Two Fingers, Milk, And The Vegetable?.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: How does a bogan call his dog?.
A: He puts Two Fingers in his mouth and shouts here fella!.
Q: How did Burt Blonde injury himself drinking Milk?.
A: The cow fell on him!.
Its Dean and Deanna Diners 20th wedding anniversary and they are celebrating this milestone at the Contention Hotel with a quiet counter meal together when Deanna asks, what's on special today?.
There is chicken parmagiana or grilled whiting, replies Wilbur Waiter.
I'll have the chicken parmagiana.
And The Vegetable?.
Oh!, he'll have the grilled whiting!.
Until Next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: How does a bogan call his dog?.
A: He puts Two Fingers in his mouth and shouts here fella!.
Q: How did Burt Blonde injury himself drinking Milk?.
A: The cow fell on him!.
Its Dean and Deanna Diners 20th wedding anniversary and they are celebrating this milestone at the Contention Hotel with a quiet counter meal together when Deanna asks, what's on special today?.
There is chicken parmagiana or grilled whiting, replies Wilbur Waiter.
I'll have the chicken parmagiana.
And The Vegetable?.
Oh!, he'll have the grilled whiting!.
Until Next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
A Bonza Jest: Obsessively Materialistic.
Driving down the clogged street in his brand spanking new Lexus is Jack Juniper whose a very successful bank manager and is on his way to show off his pride and joy to his work colleagues.
Parking outside the Bank Of Contention Jacks opens the drivers side door and is collected by a fully loaded 10 tonne lorry which rips the door clean off sending it skittling along the street scape. Straight away Jack grabs his mobile phone and speed dials the emergency services.
Within minutes Senior Constable Lucy Lavender turns up in her unmarked police car. Before Lucy can ask Jack any questions, Jack starts to snivel and says, will ya look at my gorgeous brand spanking new Lexus i just picked today, its a write off, it'll never ever be the same again no matter what the panel beaters do to repair it.
Flabbergasted by Jacks outburst Lucy says, Crikey!, I can't believe how Obsessively Materialistic you people can be, your so focused on material possessions you fail to see the bigger picture.
What do you mean by that remark?.
Don't you realise your right arm has been severed below the elbow, must've been severed when that 10 tonne lorry collected you.
Stone the crows!, where's my $15,000 gold rolex watch gotten to?.
Blimey!, why were you wearing your gold rolex watch on your right arm instead of you left?.
So i could dangle my right arm out the window to show it off to everyone.
Yep!, that figures.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Parking outside the Bank Of Contention Jacks opens the drivers side door and is collected by a fully loaded 10 tonne lorry which rips the door clean off sending it skittling along the street scape. Straight away Jack grabs his mobile phone and speed dials the emergency services.
Within minutes Senior Constable Lucy Lavender turns up in her unmarked police car. Before Lucy can ask Jack any questions, Jack starts to snivel and says, will ya look at my gorgeous brand spanking new Lexus i just picked today, its a write off, it'll never ever be the same again no matter what the panel beaters do to repair it.
Flabbergasted by Jacks outburst Lucy says, Crikey!, I can't believe how Obsessively Materialistic you people can be, your so focused on material possessions you fail to see the bigger picture.
What do you mean by that remark?.
Don't you realise your right arm has been severed below the elbow, must've been severed when that 10 tonne lorry collected you.
Stone the crows!, where's my $15,000 gold rolex watch gotten to?.
Blimey!, why were you wearing your gold rolex watch on your right arm instead of you left?.
So i could dangle my right arm out the window to show it off to everyone.
Yep!, that figures.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0108: Tundra.
Penguins vacillate.
Across the icy Tundra.
Seeking tasty snacks.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Knocker, Sniffs and A Knock, Knock.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the scientist install A Knocker on her door?.
A: So she could win the no-bell prize!.
Q: What is a bud hound?.
A: A breed of dog that Sniffs out new flowers!.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?.
Aardvark a million miles for you!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the scientist install A Knocker on her door?.
A: So she could win the no-bell prize!.
Q: What is a bud hound?.
A: A breed of dog that Sniffs out new flowers!.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?.
Aardvark a million miles for you!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Crestfallen.
On a dark and stormy night
the wind roared
the rain poured
thunder rumbled
lightning flashed.
Water dashed
passed a Crestfallen
middle aged man
who was soaked
to the skin, tired
and worn out.
His body tormented
his mind riddled with
nightmarish visions
of death and
destruction on
the desolate
battlefields of
a brutal Iraq.
In his anguish he
took refuge from
the stormy night
and his nightmarish
visions in a copious
drain pipe, where
he laid his head
down and slept
the sleep of
the dead.
It was in that
copious drain pipe
he was swamped
by torrents of
gushing water.
Its where he expired.
Verdict was he suicided.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
the wind roared
the rain poured
thunder rumbled
lightning flashed.
Water dashed
passed a Crestfallen
middle aged man
who was soaked
to the skin, tired
and worn out.
His body tormented
his mind riddled with
nightmarish visions
of death and
destruction on
the desolate
battlefields of
a brutal Iraq.
In his anguish he
took refuge from
the stormy night
and his nightmarish
visions in a copious
drain pipe, where
he laid his head
down and slept
the sleep of
the dead.
It was in that
copious drain pipe
he was swamped
by torrents of
gushing water.
Its where he expired.
Verdict was he suicided.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0107: Realm.
Oppressive salt air.
Cobalt aqua to the Realm.
Hypnotic waves purl.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: The Constitution, Drooling and Night After Night.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Did ya know ghosts are protected by the Constitution?, asks Betty Blonde.
I didn't know that, replies Ruby Redhead.
Yep, its called the bill of frights!.
Q: If an accountant is Drooling out of both sides of her mouth what does it mean?.
A: It means her desk is level!.
Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, says Paul Patient.
Ok, what seems to be the problem?, asks Doctor Derek.
I keep having the same weird dream Night After Night.
Tell me about your weird dream?.
There's a door with a sign on it, so i push with all my might and it won't open.
What does the sign on the door say?.
Pull.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Did ya know ghosts are protected by the Constitution?, asks Betty Blonde.
I didn't know that, replies Ruby Redhead.
Yep, its called the bill of frights!.
Q: If an accountant is Drooling out of both sides of her mouth what does it mean?.
A: It means her desk is level!.
Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, says Paul Patient.
Ok, what seems to be the problem?, asks Doctor Derek.
I keep having the same weird dream Night After Night.
Tell me about your weird dream?.
There's a door with a sign on it, so i push with all my might and it won't open.
What does the sign on the door say?.
Pull.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
A Celestial Body.
Gawking through binoculars
at a stellar glow
in the night sky.
It whirls like
A Celestial Body
revolving in orbit
in the vast milky way
illuminating the night sky.
Perched on the grassy
banks of the Contention
River, i see beyond
the ferigate a
stellar glow of
A Celestial Body
flittering real slow
athwart the night sky.
Upright on a warehouses
corrugated rusty
iron roof
once again i spot that
stellar glow in
the night sky.
I climb down via an old
rusty steel step ladder
drop to a cold, dank
laneway floor
between two warehouse
brick walls where
ghoulish shadows rule.
My coursing footsteps
echo off the dank
slimy brick walls.
I turn the corner
into another laneway
only to discover my
stellar glow is not
A Celestial Body
at all, but a whirligig
fixed upon a dirty,
smelly old white
garbage truck!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
at a stellar glow
in the night sky.
It whirls like
A Celestial Body
revolving in orbit
in the vast milky way
illuminating the night sky.
Perched on the grassy
banks of the Contention
River, i see beyond
the ferigate a
stellar glow of
A Celestial Body
flittering real slow
athwart the night sky.
Upright on a warehouses
corrugated rusty
iron roof
once again i spot that
stellar glow in
the night sky.
I climb down via an old
rusty steel step ladder
drop to a cold, dank
laneway floor
between two warehouse
brick walls where
ghoulish shadows rule.
My coursing footsteps
echo off the dank
slimy brick walls.
I turn the corner
into another laneway
only to discover my
stellar glow is not
A Celestial Body
at all, but a whirligig
fixed upon a dirty,
smelly old white
garbage truck!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0106: Mirror.
I'll be watching you.
Like a ghost in the Mirror.
I'll be haunting you.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Bow Wow, Echo, and Entire Week.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Teresa Teacher asks Prunella Pupil, What is the outside of a tree called?.
I don't have any idea, replies Prunella.
Bark Prunella, bark Prunella!.
Bow Wow, Bow Wow, Bow Wow!.
Open wide, wider, good grief!, you have the largest cavity i've ever come across in my life, you have the largest cavity i've ever come across in my life, says Declan Dentist.
Crikey!, doc i'm scared out of my wits as it is without you saying it twice.
I didn't say it twice that was the Echo!.
Strolling through the crowded Contention City Shopping Complex are Betty Blonde and Ruby Redhead who says, lets challenge ourselves not to spend any money for the Entire Week.
Ok, i'm up for the challenge, then we can meet in a couple of days time for lunch and compare notes, replies Betty Blonde.
Ruby Redhead couldn't believe what she just heard and stares furiously at Betty Blonde.
I thought we could have a pizza and a cuppuccino that's all realising her mistake.
I know we'll become hermits for the Entire Week, lock ourselves in our wardrobes sending the occasional text.
That could work!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Teresa Teacher asks Prunella Pupil, What is the outside of a tree called?.
I don't have any idea, replies Prunella.
Bark Prunella, bark Prunella!.
Bow Wow, Bow Wow, Bow Wow!.
Open wide, wider, good grief!, you have the largest cavity i've ever come across in my life, you have the largest cavity i've ever come across in my life, says Declan Dentist.
Crikey!, doc i'm scared out of my wits as it is without you saying it twice.
I didn't say it twice that was the Echo!.
Strolling through the crowded Contention City Shopping Complex are Betty Blonde and Ruby Redhead who says, lets challenge ourselves not to spend any money for the Entire Week.
Ok, i'm up for the challenge, then we can meet in a couple of days time for lunch and compare notes, replies Betty Blonde.
Ruby Redhead couldn't believe what she just heard and stares furiously at Betty Blonde.
I thought we could have a pizza and a cuppuccino that's all realising her mistake.
I know we'll become hermits for the Entire Week, lock ourselves in our wardrobes sending the occasional text.
That could work!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Funky Anagrams.
What is an Anagram?. Its a word or phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.
Rearrange TAIPEI, TAIWAN and you get: I AWAIT ANT PIE!.
Rearrange CHRISTMAS and you get: TRIMS CASH!.
Rearrange SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and you get: DIRTY AFTER SHAVE GUN!.
Rearrange TONY BLAIR PM and you get: I'M TORY PLAN B!.
Rearrange BARBIE DOLL and you get: LIBERAL BOD!.
Rearrange RONALD WILSON REAGAN and you get: INSANE ANGLO WARLORD!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Rearrange TAIPEI, TAIWAN and you get: I AWAIT ANT PIE!.
Rearrange CHRISTMAS and you get: TRIMS CASH!.
Rearrange SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and you get: DIRTY AFTER SHAVE GUN!.
Rearrange TONY BLAIR PM and you get: I'M TORY PLAN B!.
Rearrange BARBIE DOLL and you get: LIBERAL BOD!.
Rearrange RONALD WILSON REAGAN and you get: INSANE ANGLO WARLORD!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0105: Nestles.
Morning mist Nestles.
On arcane river surface.
Apparition shrieks.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Whiskey, Passengers and Hiccup.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What happened when the ghost ordered a Whiskey?.
A: We don't serve spirits here, said the barman!.
Did ya know all the buses, trains and trams are stopping today, says Burt Blonde.
Don't tell me they're on strike again?, replies Rusty Redhead.
No, they're stopping to let Passengers on and off!.
What seems to be the problem?, asks Doctor Derek.
i Hiccup, i Hiccup, i Hiccup, I Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, replies a very frustrated Paul Patient.
I can't help you if you won't tell me your problem.
Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup!.
Nurse Nadia please send in the next patient then escort this patient out since he won't tell me what his problem is, says Doctor Derek.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What happened when the ghost ordered a Whiskey?.
A: We don't serve spirits here, said the barman!.
Did ya know all the buses, trains and trams are stopping today, says Burt Blonde.
Don't tell me they're on strike again?, replies Rusty Redhead.
No, they're stopping to let Passengers on and off!.
What seems to be the problem?, asks Doctor Derek.
i Hiccup, i Hiccup, i Hiccup, I Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, replies a very frustrated Paul Patient.
I can't help you if you won't tell me your problem.
Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup!.
Nurse Nadia please send in the next patient then escort this patient out since he won't tell me what his problem is, says Doctor Derek.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Never To Grow Old.
Shadowy figures
rise up from the depths
one month at a time
they run riot
throughout the town.
Assail the pubs.
Guzzle the grog.
Wander the streets
like rabid dogs.
I was only a slip
of a teenage girl
when he dragged me
by the scruff
of the neck
through the scrub
onto the river bank
under the rivers bridge
where he did with me
what he pleased.
Nine months went by
i stood on the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge.
I brought forth my baby
into this wicked world.
My baby then slipped
into the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.
I stumble back home
mumbling to myself
along the way
what a demon i've become
i can't undo what i've done.
I return to the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge
where i stand alone
in my despair
i join my baby
in the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
rise up from the depths
one month at a time
they run riot
throughout the town.
Assail the pubs.
Guzzle the grog.
Wander the streets
like rabid dogs.
I was only a slip
of a teenage girl
when he dragged me
by the scruff
of the neck
through the scrub
onto the river bank
under the rivers bridge
where he did with me
what he pleased.
Nine months went by
i stood on the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge.
I brought forth my baby
into this wicked world.
My baby then slipped
into the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.
I stumble back home
mumbling to myself
along the way
what a demon i've become
i can't undo what i've done.
I return to the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge
where i stand alone
in my despair
i join my baby
in the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0104: Brewing.
Thunderstorms Brewing.
Raven clouds on the vista.
Lightning scintillates.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Sleep, Come In and The Calendar.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: If an accountants wife can't Sleep what does she say?.
A: Please tell me about your work!.
Doctor, doctor you have to help me out, asks Peter Patient.
Ok, which way did you Come In?, replies Doctor Derek.
How do ya know when its time to marry someone?, asks Larry Lavender.
You'll wake up one morning look at The Calendar and say to yourself this is the day, replies Burt Blonde.
What do i do then?.
Burn your calender!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: If an accountants wife can't Sleep what does she say?.
A: Please tell me about your work!.
Doctor, doctor you have to help me out, asks Peter Patient.
Ok, which way did you Come In?, replies Doctor Derek.
How do ya know when its time to marry someone?, asks Larry Lavender.
You'll wake up one morning look at The Calendar and say to yourself this is the day, replies Burt Blonde.
What do i do then?.
Burn your calender!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Very Crook.
Mandy had a little lamb.
A tiny bit of pork.
A slender slice of ham
with just a dash
of H.P. sauce.
A wee chook egg.
Rashers of bacon.
Organic grilled tomatoes.
Salad onion rings.
A pinch of pickles all
on sparse burnt toast.
And for dessert.
Mandy had wedges of apple.
Mellow banana rings.
Navel orange segments.
An ice-cream sundae
smothered in strawberry
topping and crushed nuts.
Sprinkled with sherbet fizz
you can just imagine
how very crook our
poor Mandy is.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
A tiny bit of pork.
A slender slice of ham
with just a dash
of H.P. sauce.
A wee chook egg.
Rashers of bacon.
Organic grilled tomatoes.
Salad onion rings.
A pinch of pickles all
on sparse burnt toast.
And for dessert.
Mandy had wedges of apple.
Mellow banana rings.
Navel orange segments.
An ice-cream sundae
smothered in strawberry
topping and crushed nuts.
Sprinkled with sherbet fizz
you can just imagine
how very crook our
poor Mandy is.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0103: Lava.
Volcano erupts.
Hurling molten hot Lava.
High into the sky.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Bridge, Loathe and Growing Old.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Doctor, doctor i think i'm A Bridge, says Paula Patient.
What's come over you?, asks Doctor Derek.
Oh!, two cars, a semi-trailer and a bus!.
I've been invited to an avoidance, says Burt Blonde.
Avoidance?, what's that. asks Rusty Redhead.
Its a dance for people who Loathe each other!.
Q: What are the signs of Growing Old?.
A: In the beginning its tri weekly.
20 years later its try weekly.
After 65 its try weakly!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Doctor, doctor i think i'm A Bridge, says Paula Patient.
What's come over you?, asks Doctor Derek.
Oh!, two cars, a semi-trailer and a bus!.
I've been invited to an avoidance, says Burt Blonde.
Avoidance?, what's that. asks Rusty Redhead.
Its a dance for people who Loathe each other!.
Q: What are the signs of Growing Old?.
A: In the beginning its tri weekly.
20 years later its try weekly.
After 65 its try weakly!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Black.
Black as the raven
who took flight
into the Black night.
Black as the Blackest
Black hole in outer space.
Black as the rook
Black is old hitler
worlds shiftiest crook.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
who took flight
into the Black night.
Black as the Blackest
Black hole in outer space.
Black as the rook
Black is old hitler
worlds shiftiest crook.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0102: Bathes.
Veiled by morning mist.
Cheeping bird Bathes in tarn.
Delicate wings beat.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Baked Beans, A Gun and Extracted.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Does this tram go to Melbourne?, asks Penny Passenger.
No!, replies Chris Conductor.
But it indicates Melbourne on the front.
There is an advertisment for Baked Beans on the side, but we don't sell 'em.
Is that A Gun in your hand or are you absolutely stoked to see me?, asks Sara Scrubber.
Its A Gun, replies Colin Customer.
Ouch!, that's not the tooth i wanted extracted, says Paul Patient.
Relax cobber, i'll eventually extract the right one, replies Declan Dentist.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Does this tram go to Melbourne?, asks Penny Passenger.
No!, replies Chris Conductor.
But it indicates Melbourne on the front.
There is an advertisment for Baked Beans on the side, but we don't sell 'em.
Is that A Gun in your hand or are you absolutely stoked to see me?, asks Sara Scrubber.
Its A Gun, replies Colin Customer.
Ouch!, that's not the tooth i wanted extracted, says Paul Patient.
Relax cobber, i'll eventually extract the right one, replies Declan Dentist.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Old Homeless Woman: The Conclusion.
After liberating the kangaroo flagon Lucas and Josh are making their way down the main road in their 4wd ute toward the rendezvous point with Anya Angel on the old bridge spanning the Contention River when Josh whose resting the kangaroo flagon on his lap pipes up and says, this kangaroo flagon must be pretty special.
I wouldn't have a clue why, we'll just have to wait and see, replies Lucas.
Yeah i suppose so.
A few minutes later they approach the bridge, spot Anya leaning up against the bridge railing under the second dim street light halfway across. Lucas pulls up beside Anya and they both decamp, amble over to her.
Glad to see you fellas made it in one piece, says Anya.
So what's the big deal with this kangaroo flagon?, asks Josh handing it over to Anya who tucks it safely under her arm.
All will be revealed in due course.
Reaching inside her dirty white fur coat Anya removes another large brown envelope and hands it over to Josh.
As promised your final payment of $25.000 and a note which explains the big deal as you put it, but now take a couple of steps back and sheild your eyes.
Anya opens her mouth and emits a bright, blinding beam of white light that engulfs her entire body shedding her tattered clothing transforming Anya into a slender, luminous, shimmering white angel with broad wings and with a beat of those broad wings Anya streaks off into the gloomy sky toward heaven.
Stone the crows did ya see that?, says an astonished Josh.
Are we dreaming or what?, replies Lucas.
I'll open the envelope check the money then read the note. Josh opens the envelope thumbs through the money, satisfied its all accounted for, he pulls out the note, walks over to the dim street light and starts reading.
What does it say? asks Lucas.
It says: Many centuries ago a nasty 'n' mean old wizard who lived in the Mt Contention caves vanished without a trace, imprisioned the souls of a billion red kangaroos, sealing up the spout with wax preventing them from reaching heaven and casting a magical spell so no mortal being could smash it open to release the billion red kangaroo souls.
Crikey!, that's why i couldn't smash it open.
Wait there is more.
As i am an angel i couldn't liberate the kangaroo flagon myself because the wizard also conjured up evil spirits to protect the cave and they would have detected my presence, stopping me one way or another. So to avoid the evil spirits i had to employ mortal beings to liberate the kangaroo flagon, then i could deliver it to heaven which will break the magical spell.
Meanwhile Anya has reached the Pearly Gates of Heaven, zooms through, past the gatekeeper knocking him fair and square on his bottom and he bellows, you're a ratbag Anya, but one of the good ones.
Anya parks herself on the nearest cloud, gently places the kangaroo flagon on the cloud in front of her where it begins to vibrate and crumbles into tiny shards, releasing the billion of red kangaroo souls which light up the gloomy sky like bursting fireworks on Guy Fawkes night.
Lucas looks up and says well i'll be, it worked, now all the red kangaroo souls can roam free in heaven for all eternity.
Amen to that cobber, ya know we've witnessed something very special tonight that we'll never forget until our dying day, says Josh with salty tears of joy cascading down his cheeks. The End.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
I wouldn't have a clue why, we'll just have to wait and see, replies Lucas.
Yeah i suppose so.
A few minutes later they approach the bridge, spot Anya leaning up against the bridge railing under the second dim street light halfway across. Lucas pulls up beside Anya and they both decamp, amble over to her.
Glad to see you fellas made it in one piece, says Anya.
So what's the big deal with this kangaroo flagon?, asks Josh handing it over to Anya who tucks it safely under her arm.
All will be revealed in due course.
Reaching inside her dirty white fur coat Anya removes another large brown envelope and hands it over to Josh.
As promised your final payment of $25.000 and a note which explains the big deal as you put it, but now take a couple of steps back and sheild your eyes.
Anya opens her mouth and emits a bright, blinding beam of white light that engulfs her entire body shedding her tattered clothing transforming Anya into a slender, luminous, shimmering white angel with broad wings and with a beat of those broad wings Anya streaks off into the gloomy sky toward heaven.
Stone the crows did ya see that?, says an astonished Josh.
Are we dreaming or what?, replies Lucas.
I'll open the envelope check the money then read the note. Josh opens the envelope thumbs through the money, satisfied its all accounted for, he pulls out the note, walks over to the dim street light and starts reading.
What does it say? asks Lucas.
It says: Many centuries ago a nasty 'n' mean old wizard who lived in the Mt Contention caves vanished without a trace, imprisioned the souls of a billion red kangaroos, sealing up the spout with wax preventing them from reaching heaven and casting a magical spell so no mortal being could smash it open to release the billion red kangaroo souls.
Crikey!, that's why i couldn't smash it open.
Wait there is more.
As i am an angel i couldn't liberate the kangaroo flagon myself because the wizard also conjured up evil spirits to protect the cave and they would have detected my presence, stopping me one way or another. So to avoid the evil spirits i had to employ mortal beings to liberate the kangaroo flagon, then i could deliver it to heaven which will break the magical spell.
Meanwhile Anya has reached the Pearly Gates of Heaven, zooms through, past the gatekeeper knocking him fair and square on his bottom and he bellows, you're a ratbag Anya, but one of the good ones.
Anya parks herself on the nearest cloud, gently places the kangaroo flagon on the cloud in front of her where it begins to vibrate and crumbles into tiny shards, releasing the billion of red kangaroo souls which light up the gloomy sky like bursting fireworks on Guy Fawkes night.
Lucas looks up and says well i'll be, it worked, now all the red kangaroo souls can roam free in heaven for all eternity.
Amen to that cobber, ya know we've witnessed something very special tonight that we'll never forget until our dying day, says Josh with salty tears of joy cascading down his cheeks. The End.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0101: Alone.
Out my drab window.
I spied you wandering Alone.
Coming down the track.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Squirrels, Bloomers and Escape.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: How do ya stop Squirrels from playing soccer in the backyard?.
A: Hide the ball it'll drive 'em nuts!.
Q: What is an outdoor girl?.
A: One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of youth in her Bloomers!.
On Burt Blondes wedding day there were doubts about the wedding going ahead. In the church George Green the father of the bride asks Percy Priest.
Why have all the aisles been roped off?.
So the groom can't escape!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: How do ya stop Squirrels from playing soccer in the backyard?.
A: Hide the ball it'll drive 'em nuts!.
Q: What is an outdoor girl?.
A: One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of youth in her Bloomers!.
On Burt Blondes wedding day there were doubts about the wedding going ahead. In the church George Green the father of the bride asks Percy Priest.
Why have all the aisles been roped off?.
So the groom can't escape!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Old Homeless Woman Pt 2.
Its close to the witching hour two days later and Lucas followed by Josh are treking through the Contention National Park Forest on their way to Mt Contention to liberate the kangaroo flagon concealed in a hidden cave.
Both are wearing miners helmets with in-built torches, carrying club hammers and a large machete to hack their way through the dense forest. Reaching the cave entrance which is a small hole in the ground only big enough for one person to squeeze through at a time. Its actually a small tunnel leading to the huge cave system.
I'll go first, you pass me the club hammers, says Lucas.
Okay, don't get stuck will ya, replies Josh with a big smile on his dial.
I'll try not to smarty pants.
Lucas crawls feet first through the entrance until his head and arms poke out and says, pass me the club hammers.
I don't think we'll need the machete anymore so i'll prop it up against this rock.
Lucas nods and starts inching his way through the dark dusty tunnel until he reaches a ledge, drops a short distance to the huge cavern floor. A few seconds later Josh drops head first off the ledge kissing the huge cavern floor with his face knocking off his miners helmet.
Josh picks himself up, dusts himself off grabs his miners helmet and parks it back on his head. Gazing around they spot the third tunnel, swagger over, scramble up onto another ledge, stroll to where the wall is blocking the hidden cave.
What time is it?, asks Josh.
One minute before the witching hour and counting, replies Lucas.
With club hammers at the ready Lucas starts the count down 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now. Both of 'em viciously swing their club hammers striking the wall which crumbles into grains of sand engulfing them up to their knees.
When the dust finally settles they enter the cave brushing aside spider webs sending hairy legged spiders scurrying for cover. Spotting the wall niche at the other end of the cave Lucas wanders over and starts seeking out the kangaroo flagon which sits in between two other flagons.
Here it is, says Lucas grasping the flagon by its handle removing it from the wall niche.
Taking a gander, Josh says we still don't know what it contains, how about we smash it open and take a peek, we can always say we dropped it accidently and it broke.
Ok, give it a whirl, placing the kangaroo flagon on the floor where Josh kneels down, raises his club hammer above his head then brings it down in a long arc striking the kangaroo flagon, which repels the blow flinging the club hammer out of Joshs hand and sailing across the cave.
Crikey!, this flagon must be cursed.
Ok, lets scarper out of here and not a word to Anya Angel alright.
You don't have to convince me picking up his club hammer from the other side of the cave.
A few minutes later Lucas and Josh emerge from the small hole in the ground into moon light where Josh snaffles up the machete then they proceed through the dense forest to where their 4wd ute is parked between the edge of the dense forest and the fast flowing Contention River, jump in, take off down the road toward the rendezvous point with Anya Angel. To be continued...............
Join me next Saturday Afternoon for the conclusion of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Both are wearing miners helmets with in-built torches, carrying club hammers and a large machete to hack their way through the dense forest. Reaching the cave entrance which is a small hole in the ground only big enough for one person to squeeze through at a time. Its actually a small tunnel leading to the huge cave system.
I'll go first, you pass me the club hammers, says Lucas.
Okay, don't get stuck will ya, replies Josh with a big smile on his dial.
I'll try not to smarty pants.
Lucas crawls feet first through the entrance until his head and arms poke out and says, pass me the club hammers.
I don't think we'll need the machete anymore so i'll prop it up against this rock.
Lucas nods and starts inching his way through the dark dusty tunnel until he reaches a ledge, drops a short distance to the huge cavern floor. A few seconds later Josh drops head first off the ledge kissing the huge cavern floor with his face knocking off his miners helmet.
Josh picks himself up, dusts himself off grabs his miners helmet and parks it back on his head. Gazing around they spot the third tunnel, swagger over, scramble up onto another ledge, stroll to where the wall is blocking the hidden cave.
What time is it?, asks Josh.
One minute before the witching hour and counting, replies Lucas.
With club hammers at the ready Lucas starts the count down 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now. Both of 'em viciously swing their club hammers striking the wall which crumbles into grains of sand engulfing them up to their knees.
When the dust finally settles they enter the cave brushing aside spider webs sending hairy legged spiders scurrying for cover. Spotting the wall niche at the other end of the cave Lucas wanders over and starts seeking out the kangaroo flagon which sits in between two other flagons.
Here it is, says Lucas grasping the flagon by its handle removing it from the wall niche.
Taking a gander, Josh says we still don't know what it contains, how about we smash it open and take a peek, we can always say we dropped it accidently and it broke.
Ok, give it a whirl, placing the kangaroo flagon on the floor where Josh kneels down, raises his club hammer above his head then brings it down in a long arc striking the kangaroo flagon, which repels the blow flinging the club hammer out of Joshs hand and sailing across the cave.
Crikey!, this flagon must be cursed.
Ok, lets scarper out of here and not a word to Anya Angel alright.
You don't have to convince me picking up his club hammer from the other side of the cave.
A few minutes later Lucas and Josh emerge from the small hole in the ground into moon light where Josh snaffles up the machete then they proceed through the dense forest to where their 4wd ute is parked between the edge of the dense forest and the fast flowing Contention River, jump in, take off down the road toward the rendezvous point with Anya Angel. To be continued...............
Join me next Saturday Afternoon for the conclusion of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 0100: Crucifixion.
On skeletal cross.
Akin to Crucifixion.
Ugly scarecrows twitch.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Seatbelts, Jar Of Jam and Riddle Me This.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they hop into their cars?.
A: They boo.......kle up their Seatbelts!.
Q: Why did the child dance on the Jar Of Jam?.
A: Because the lid said twist to open!.
Riddle Me This.
What can run, but never walks.
Has a mouth, but never talks.
Has a head, but never weeps.
Has a bed, but never sleeps.
Scroll down for a clue.
Nearly there.
The Clue: One of my Blogging Cobbers goes by this.
Leave your answer in comments and i'll post the answer in comments Thursday morning.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(C) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they hop into their cars?.
A: They boo.......kle up their Seatbelts!.
Q: Why did the child dance on the Jar Of Jam?.
A: Because the lid said twist to open!.
Riddle Me This.
What can run, but never walks.
Has a mouth, but never talks.
Has a head, but never weeps.
Has a bed, but never sleeps.
Scroll down for a clue.
Nearly there.
The Clue: One of my Blogging Cobbers goes by this.
Leave your answer in comments and i'll post the answer in comments Thursday morning.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(C) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Old Homeless Woman Pt 1.
Trudging along the short driveway of the Contention Firewood Supply is Anya Angel an Old Homeless Woman whose urging a supermarket trolley chock-a- block with all her worldly possessions. Dressed in tattered shirt 'n' skirt and naked underneath, runners with her toes poking out the many holes, full length oversized dirty white fur coat that drags on the ground, a straw hat, fingerless black woollen gloves, grubby face that only a mother could love, unwashed tangled and matted dark shoulder length hair that hasn't seen shampoo for many a moon.
Coming up to the main office Anya parks her supermarket trolley beside a flight of stairs which she climbs, opens the front door setting off a loud buzzer that alerts Lucas Lavender and Josh Juniper who are in the kitchen eating breakfast.
Lucas wanders into the main office and asks, how can i help you today lady?.
Are you Lucas Lavender?, replies Anya.
Yes i am and you are?.
My name is Anya Angel, is your business partner Josh Juniper?.
Standing in the doorway is Josh who says, that would be me.
What's this all about lady?, asks Lucas.
I have proposition that will benefit all three of us.
We're listening.
I believe you two know the network of caves and tunnels in the Contention National Park Mountains like the back of your hands.
When we were little tackers we explored every inch of those caves and tunnels and know every cave and tunnel there is.
I bet you don't know about the hidden cave at the end of the third tunnel on your left from the cave entrance.
That's always been a deadend.
What's hidden in the cave?, asks Josh.
There's a wall niche at the back of the cave that contains three pottery flagons which have their spouts sealed with wax. The one i'm interested in has the image of a red kangaroo, can you and Lucas liberate the kangaroo flagon for me, you'll be well compensated for your trouble.
The silence is deafening until Lucas asks, what's in it for us?
I'm offering to pay you and Josh $50.000 to liberate my kangaroo flagon, $25.000 now, $25.000 on delivery, do we have a deal?.
Show us the colour of your money.
Anya reaches inside her dirty white fur coat and pulls out a large brown envelope and says, this is the first payment of $25.000, she drops it on the wooden counter in front of Lucas, who scoops it up, thumbs through its contents as Josh walks up behind him and peers over his shoulder and says, lady you've got a deal.
Now we've gotta work out whether to dig or blast our way into the cave, says Lucas.
Neither of those options will be necassary, replies Anya, just be in the tunnel at the witching hour in two days time and you'll be able to smash your way through with a couple of club hammers, liberate my kangaroo flagon, deliver it to me on the old bridge spanning the Contention River where you'll receive your final payment of $25.000. Anya then walks out of the office, grabs her supermarket trolley and disappears into the hazy distance. To Be Continued..........
Join me next Saturday Afternoon for Pt 2 of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Coming up to the main office Anya parks her supermarket trolley beside a flight of stairs which she climbs, opens the front door setting off a loud buzzer that alerts Lucas Lavender and Josh Juniper who are in the kitchen eating breakfast.
Lucas wanders into the main office and asks, how can i help you today lady?.
Are you Lucas Lavender?, replies Anya.
Yes i am and you are?.
My name is Anya Angel, is your business partner Josh Juniper?.
Standing in the doorway is Josh who says, that would be me.
What's this all about lady?, asks Lucas.
I have proposition that will benefit all three of us.
We're listening.
I believe you two know the network of caves and tunnels in the Contention National Park Mountains like the back of your hands.
When we were little tackers we explored every inch of those caves and tunnels and know every cave and tunnel there is.
I bet you don't know about the hidden cave at the end of the third tunnel on your left from the cave entrance.
That's always been a deadend.
What's hidden in the cave?, asks Josh.
There's a wall niche at the back of the cave that contains three pottery flagons which have their spouts sealed with wax. The one i'm interested in has the image of a red kangaroo, can you and Lucas liberate the kangaroo flagon for me, you'll be well compensated for your trouble.
The silence is deafening until Lucas asks, what's in it for us?
I'm offering to pay you and Josh $50.000 to liberate my kangaroo flagon, $25.000 now, $25.000 on delivery, do we have a deal?.
Show us the colour of your money.
Anya reaches inside her dirty white fur coat and pulls out a large brown envelope and says, this is the first payment of $25.000, she drops it on the wooden counter in front of Lucas, who scoops it up, thumbs through its contents as Josh walks up behind him and peers over his shoulder and says, lady you've got a deal.
Now we've gotta work out whether to dig or blast our way into the cave, says Lucas.
Neither of those options will be necassary, replies Anya, just be in the tunnel at the witching hour in two days time and you'll be able to smash your way through with a couple of club hammers, liberate my kangaroo flagon, deliver it to me on the old bridge spanning the Contention River where you'll receive your final payment of $25.000. Anya then walks out of the office, grabs her supermarket trolley and disappears into the hazy distance. To Be Continued..........
Join me next Saturday Afternoon for Pt 2 of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 099: Regal.
Beyond Regal clouds.
Snowcapped pinnacles advance.
Toward the heavens.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Firemen, Walking and Open And Close.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do Firemen have larger knackers than policemen?.
A: Because they sell more raffle tickets!.
Standing under the front veranda at Rusty Redheads house is Lucas Lavender and Rusty who are each holding a mug of hot chocolate watching the heavy rain tumble down when Lucas says, Did you know Grandpa Lavender started Walking five kilometres a day when he turned ninety?.
That's a top effort, replies Rusty.
Trouble is Grandpa hasn't come back and we don't know where on earth he's got to!.
Q: Which profession can get away with telling a woman to Open And Close her mouth?.
A: The Dentist!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do Firemen have larger knackers than policemen?.
A: Because they sell more raffle tickets!.
Standing under the front veranda at Rusty Redheads house is Lucas Lavender and Rusty who are each holding a mug of hot chocolate watching the heavy rain tumble down when Lucas says, Did you know Grandpa Lavender started Walking five kilometres a day when he turned ninety?.
That's a top effort, replies Rusty.
Trouble is Grandpa hasn't come back and we don't know where on earth he's got to!.
Q: Which profession can get away with telling a woman to Open And Close her mouth?.
A: The Dentist!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
A Bonza Jest: Sign Language.
Its a bright sunny morning on the construction site of the new Contention City Arts Centre, where Colin Conifer rolls up in his 4wd ute loaded to the brim with toolboxes. He stops, jumps out grabs two toolboxes and makes his way over to the lift, hops in, closes the wire mesh sliding door, pokes the up button with his finger for the third level. With a loud whine of the ancient electric motor the lift slowly rises until it stops with a jolt at the third level. Colin decamps and starts preparing for work. First job on the cards is to cut a piece of timber. Rummaging around in one of his toolboxes for a handsaw, which is nowhere to be seen, when it dawns on him he's left it in the 4wd ute. What a pain i'll have to go all the way back down to the ground, unless he mumbles.
Knowing that Daniel Dandelion is working on the dusty ground below, Colin wanders over to the safety rail, takes a gander and spots Daniel's yellow hardhat. Screaming at the top of his lungs at Daniel, its no use because of all the racket going on he can't be heard. Scanning the floor around him he claps eyes on a tiny piece of timber, lobs it at Daniel and it strikes him fair and square on his yellow hardhat which grabs Daniel's attention. Looking up Daniel catches on that Colin is using Sign Language.
First Colin points to his eye meaning "I", then points to his knee meaning "NEED", then moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion meaning "SAW".
Understanding that Colin needs a handsaw, Daniel drops his jeans, makes a fist, lowers it to his groin area and gives the universal sign of onanism to let Colin know he understands the message. Taking the message the wrong way Colin strides across to the lift, pokes the ground floor button, when he reaches the ground floor with a jolt, he sprints at a cracking pace toward Daniel, shirt fronts him and they both fall heavily to the dusty ground with Colin on top and he screams, What's the big idea calling me that all i needed was was a handsaw, What've you got to say for yourself?.
I know you want a handsaw, i was telling you i'm "COMING", replies Daniel.
Well that's alright then, since i'm down here i'll get the damned handsaw myself.
What ever floats ya boat cobber.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Knowing that Daniel Dandelion is working on the dusty ground below, Colin wanders over to the safety rail, takes a gander and spots Daniel's yellow hardhat. Screaming at the top of his lungs at Daniel, its no use because of all the racket going on he can't be heard. Scanning the floor around him he claps eyes on a tiny piece of timber, lobs it at Daniel and it strikes him fair and square on his yellow hardhat which grabs Daniel's attention. Looking up Daniel catches on that Colin is using Sign Language.
First Colin points to his eye meaning "I", then points to his knee meaning "NEED", then moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion meaning "SAW".
Understanding that Colin needs a handsaw, Daniel drops his jeans, makes a fist, lowers it to his groin area and gives the universal sign of onanism to let Colin know he understands the message. Taking the message the wrong way Colin strides across to the lift, pokes the ground floor button, when he reaches the ground floor with a jolt, he sprints at a cracking pace toward Daniel, shirt fronts him and they both fall heavily to the dusty ground with Colin on top and he screams, What's the big idea calling me that all i needed was was a handsaw, What've you got to say for yourself?.
I know you want a handsaw, i was telling you i'm "COMING", replies Daniel.
Well that's alright then, since i'm down here i'll get the damned handsaw myself.
What ever floats ya boat cobber.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 098: Dust.
Fluffy Dust motes.
Cavort through tiny sunbeams.
Via window pane.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Woman, A Moustache and A Disease.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What do ya call A Woman who always knows where her husband is?.
A: A widow!.
George Green wanders into the Contention Hotel orders a beer and is gobsmacked at the sight of Billy the barman because he's built like a brick outhouse, has bulging muscles and covered in tattoos, unshaven and sweaty.
A few minutes pass by when Billy realises that George is staring at him and asks, what are ya staring at cobber?.
Stone the crows cobber you look identical to someone i know if it wasn't for the Moustache, replies George.
I don't have a Moustache.
I know but my wife does!.
Doctor Derek asks, have you ever had this disease before?.
Yes, replies Peter Patient.
Well, you've got it again!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What do ya call A Woman who always knows where her husband is?.
A: A widow!.
George Green wanders into the Contention Hotel orders a beer and is gobsmacked at the sight of Billy the barman because he's built like a brick outhouse, has bulging muscles and covered in tattoos, unshaven and sweaty.
A few minutes pass by when Billy realises that George is staring at him and asks, what are ya staring at cobber?.
Stone the crows cobber you look identical to someone i know if it wasn't for the Moustache, replies George.
I don't have a Moustache.
I know but my wife does!.
Doctor Derek asks, have you ever had this disease before?.
Yes, replies Peter Patient.
Well, you've got it again!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Upon The Stairs.
On a dark and stormy night
lurking in the shadows
Upon The Stairs
when lightning flashes
i see a shadowy figure
in hooded robe
bright eyes staring
smiling teeth
weilding a scythe
has death itself
come for me?.
I come awake
with a start
quiver like a leaf
in pools of sweat.
Leap out of bed
peer out my
bedroom door
toward the stairs.
Shake my head
and ponder, was
that shadowy figure
really there
Upon The Stairs
or in my ugly
nightmares?.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
lurking in the shadows
Upon The Stairs
when lightning flashes
i see a shadowy figure
in hooded robe
bright eyes staring
smiling teeth
weilding a scythe
has death itself
come for me?.
I come awake
with a start
quiver like a leaf
in pools of sweat.
Leap out of bed
peer out my
bedroom door
toward the stairs.
Shake my head
and ponder, was
that shadowy figure
really there
Upon The Stairs
or in my ugly
nightmares?.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 097: Avarice.
Large elegant whales.
Harried to near extinction.
By mans Avarice.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: No Cups, 24HRS and Dig Up.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why is a bad soccer team like an old bra?.
A: No Cups and very little support!.
Its close to sunset when Jade Juniper rolls up to the 24HRS Contention Convenience Store only to find the Ollie the owner locking the front door.
Hey cobber, you're sign says you're open 24HRS a day, says Jade.
Staring at Jade through tired eyes Ollie says, But not 24HRS in a row!.
Q: Who do ghosts invite to their birthday parties?.
A: Anyone they can dig up!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why is a bad soccer team like an old bra?.
A: No Cups and very little support!.
Its close to sunset when Jade Juniper rolls up to the 24HRS Contention Convenience Store only to find the Ollie the owner locking the front door.
Hey cobber, you're sign says you're open 24HRS a day, says Jade.
Staring at Jade through tired eyes Ollie says, But not 24HRS in a row!.
Q: Who do ghosts invite to their birthday parties?.
A: Anyone they can dig up!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Another Night.
When my lover
walked away
never thought
i'd be okay.
I believed i'd
overcome these
love sick blues.
I'll probably die
a bodger
a uneasy fella.
I may not leave
my mark on this
insane world.
I'd harmonize
my humanity
if you would
spend Another
Night with me.
You slipped into your
dark trench coat
real slow.
I've grovelled.
I've fallen apart.
Still you wouldn't
spend Another
Night with me.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
walked away
never thought
i'd be okay.
I believed i'd
overcome these
love sick blues.
I'll probably die
a bodger
a uneasy fella.
I may not leave
my mark on this
insane world.
I'd harmonize
my humanity
if you would
spend Another
Night with me.
You slipped into your
dark trench coat
real slow.
I've grovelled.
I've fallen apart.
Still you wouldn't
spend Another
Night with me.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 096: Noble.
Snowcapped pinnacles.
Rise up toward the heavens.
Beyond Noble clouds.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: The Dentist, 28 Days, and Maths.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the mosquito go to The Dentist?.
A: To improve his bite!.
Tim Teacher asks his pupils, can anyone tell me which month has 28 Days?.
Patrick Pupil slowly raises his hand.
Yes Patrick what's your answer.
All of them!.
Q: What type of snake is superb at Maths?.
A: An adder!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the mosquito go to The Dentist?.
A: To improve his bite!.
Tim Teacher asks his pupils, can anyone tell me which month has 28 Days?.
Patrick Pupil slowly raises his hand.
Yes Patrick what's your answer.
All of them!.
Q: What type of snake is superb at Maths?.
A: An adder!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Haggish Head.
Riding down the mountainside
came a lofty Knight
to liberate the common folk
from a flighty Hag.
Who reigned with fear
across the wind swept lands.
Once upon a distant time
the Knight and the Hag
were passionate lovers.
Scorned and heart broken
eyes wild with pain
the Knight did vow
to crush the Hags mighty reign.
Gazing into her crystal ball
she eyed the Knight draw near
riding full pelt
toward her seedy castle.
She sent demented demons
way up in the sky
to meet the Knight head on.
With magic sword raised high
the Knight did slay
all the demented demons
one by one
until there were none.
Through the castle gates
he did thunder
and scaled worn steps
that lead to the
Hags gloomy lair.
With a potent swipe
of his magic sword
he decapitated
her Haggish Head.
It flew across
the gloomy lair
ending once and
for all their
torrid love affair.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
came a lofty Knight
to liberate the common folk
from a flighty Hag.
Who reigned with fear
across the wind swept lands.
Once upon a distant time
the Knight and the Hag
were passionate lovers.
Scorned and heart broken
eyes wild with pain
the Knight did vow
to crush the Hags mighty reign.
Gazing into her crystal ball
she eyed the Knight draw near
riding full pelt
toward her seedy castle.
She sent demented demons
way up in the sky
to meet the Knight head on.
With magic sword raised high
the Knight did slay
all the demented demons
one by one
until there were none.
Through the castle gates
he did thunder
and scaled worn steps
that lead to the
Hags gloomy lair.
With a potent swipe
of his magic sword
he decapitated
her Haggish Head.
It flew across
the gloomy lair
ending once and
for all their
torrid love affair.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 095: Tabby.
Lets make love here.
Under the Tabby moon.
On this bed of grass.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Herdsmen, Jelly and Shoplifters.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do celtic Herdsman wear tartan kilts?.
A: So the sheep don't hear the zip!.
Burt Blonde asks, Why do ya feed Daisy Dog bowls of Jelly?.
Rusty Redhead replies, I want to see if she'll poop Jelly beans!.
A sign in the window of the Contention Supermarket warns potential shoplifters of their fate should they be caught shoplifting.
Warning to shoplifters.
Anybody caught shoplifting.
Will be gagged and handcuffed to a chair.
Beaten to within an inch of their life.
Waterboarded.
Whipped with a cat-o-nine tails.
Any survivors will then be prosecuted to the full extent of
the law.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why do celtic Herdsman wear tartan kilts?.
A: So the sheep don't hear the zip!.
Burt Blonde asks, Why do ya feed Daisy Dog bowls of Jelly?.
Rusty Redhead replies, I want to see if she'll poop Jelly beans!.
A sign in the window of the Contention Supermarket warns potential shoplifters of their fate should they be caught shoplifting.
Warning to shoplifters.
Anybody caught shoplifting.
Will be gagged and handcuffed to a chair.
Beaten to within an inch of their life.
Waterboarded.
Whipped with a cat-o-nine tails.
Any survivors will then be prosecuted to the full extent of
the law.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 094: Rockpool.
Tiny Rockpool souls.
Clamber around sculpted stone.
Shot with shiny quartz.
A quick note: That was the final of my regular Saturday Fair Dinkum Haiku. For the reason why please read last Monday's post.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Large Sign In The Window.
Its been 12 months to the day since Betty Blondes tabby cat Chloe was run over by a fully loaded 18 wheel petrol tanker and squashed flat as a pancake into the concrete driveway of the Contention Petrol Station. All that remained were Chloes brown leather collar, shiny chrome bell, pink name tag and the Contention City Council metal registration disc which Betty buried a week later in a small white cardboard coffin in the Contention Pet Cemetery.
Next morning Betty decides to visit her beloved tabby cat Chloe and gives Ruby Redhead a bell on her mobile phone. After a few chirps Ruby eventually answers and says, G' Day Betty what's up?.
Do you realise its been 12 months since my tabby cat Chloe passed away.
No i didn't, my how time flies, replies Ruby.
What i'm asking can you come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery.
No can do, i'm about to leave for work, i know somebody else who will go with you.
Who would that be?.
I was speaking with Jade Juniper last night and she'll be at a loose end this afternoon, give her a tingle.
Ok i'll give Jade a tingle, She hangs up, speed dials Jade who answers on the first ring and says, G' day Betty this is a pleasant surprise what's up?.
Will ya come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery and visit my tabby cat Chloe who passed away 12 months ago?.
I'll be happy to we can buy a bunch of flowers to place on her grave from the Contention Flower Shop next door.
Good idea i'll catch the next bus and get off at the bus stop across the road from your place.
Bonza see ya shortly.
Half an hour later Jade is waiting at her front gate for Betty when a bus pulls up across the road, spews out a few passengers, takes off in a cloud of black diesel smoke leaving Betty standing at the bus stop waving at Jade who ambles across the road and greets Betty with an air kiss and hug.
Sorry i'm a bit late there was a three car pile-up down the road a tad, says Betty.
That's ok the Contention Pet Cemetery is just around the corner only a short walk away won't take us long, replies Jade.
Ok lets go.
Down the footpath, around the corner Betty and Jade stroll reaching their first port of call the Contention Flower shop. Betty grabs hold of the front door handle tries twisting it and opening the front door at the same time with no result.
That's a shame its closed, i wonder why, asks Betty.
There is a Large Sign In The Window, replies Jade pointing in the general direction.
Betty stands adjacent to the window and proceeds to read it.
What does it say?, asks Jade.
It says: Sorry folks!
we will be closed
at 12pm today.
Mary's mother fell off
her perch & we all
need to go plant her.
Regards, management
& staff.
Crikey the shop owners have a strange but comical attitude toward death, says Jade.
Ya not wrong, anyway lets move on and pay our respects to Chloe then head on home, replies Betty.
During my morning walk i came across the sign mentioned in a shop window but didn't have pen or paper with me at the time to jot it down. I went back the next morning hoping the sign was still in the window this time armed with pen and paper and this tale is the result of what flowed from my bizarre mind.
A quick note: That was the final of my regular Friday morning posts. Instead join me every Saturday afternoon starting "Saturday Week" for the usual mayhem that you come to expect from my regular Friday posts. For the reason why please read last Monday's post, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Next morning Betty decides to visit her beloved tabby cat Chloe and gives Ruby Redhead a bell on her mobile phone. After a few chirps Ruby eventually answers and says, G' Day Betty what's up?.
Do you realise its been 12 months since my tabby cat Chloe passed away.
No i didn't, my how time flies, replies Ruby.
What i'm asking can you come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery.
No can do, i'm about to leave for work, i know somebody else who will go with you.
Who would that be?.
I was speaking with Jade Juniper last night and she'll be at a loose end this afternoon, give her a tingle.
Ok i'll give Jade a tingle, She hangs up, speed dials Jade who answers on the first ring and says, G' day Betty this is a pleasant surprise what's up?.
Will ya come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery and visit my tabby cat Chloe who passed away 12 months ago?.
I'll be happy to we can buy a bunch of flowers to place on her grave from the Contention Flower Shop next door.
Good idea i'll catch the next bus and get off at the bus stop across the road from your place.
Bonza see ya shortly.
Half an hour later Jade is waiting at her front gate for Betty when a bus pulls up across the road, spews out a few passengers, takes off in a cloud of black diesel smoke leaving Betty standing at the bus stop waving at Jade who ambles across the road and greets Betty with an air kiss and hug.
Sorry i'm a bit late there was a three car pile-up down the road a tad, says Betty.
That's ok the Contention Pet Cemetery is just around the corner only a short walk away won't take us long, replies Jade.
Ok lets go.
Down the footpath, around the corner Betty and Jade stroll reaching their first port of call the Contention Flower shop. Betty grabs hold of the front door handle tries twisting it and opening the front door at the same time with no result.
That's a shame its closed, i wonder why, asks Betty.
There is a Large Sign In The Window, replies Jade pointing in the general direction.
Betty stands adjacent to the window and proceeds to read it.
What does it say?, asks Jade.
It says: Sorry folks!
we will be closed
at 12pm today.
Mary's mother fell off
her perch & we all
need to go plant her.
Regards, management
& staff.
Crikey the shop owners have a strange but comical attitude toward death, says Jade.
Ya not wrong, anyway lets move on and pay our respects to Chloe then head on home, replies Betty.
During my morning walk i came across the sign mentioned in a shop window but didn't have pen or paper with me at the time to jot it down. I went back the next morning hoping the sign was still in the window this time armed with pen and paper and this tale is the result of what flowed from my bizarre mind.
A quick note: That was the final of my regular Friday morning posts. Instead join me every Saturday afternoon starting "Saturday Week" for the usual mayhem that you come to expect from my regular Friday posts. For the reason why please read last Monday's post, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 093: Whirl.
Standing in the shade.
Hands over each others heart.
We feel the love Whirl.
A quick note: Beginning next week Fair Dinkum Haiku is moving from Wednesday mornings to Thursday mornings. For the reason why please read last Mondays post.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Pig Meat, A Toilet Roll and Your Mother-In-Law.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Dean Diner is holding up a fork with a piece of Pig Meat on one end for inspection by Wilbur Waiter and says, Do you call this pig?.
Which end of the fork are you referring to?, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Q: How many men does it take to change A Toilet Roll?.
A: Nobody knows, its never happened before!.
Q: Is there any difference between a vulture and Your Mother-In-Law?.
A: Yes, the vulture waits until your dead!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
A quick note: I've noticed over the last few months that i've become quite addicted to Blogging, which has left me little or no time to follow other pursuits. Beginning next week Random Humour For Grown Ups is moving to a new home on Tuesday mornings until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Dean Diner is holding up a fork with a piece of Pig Meat on one end for inspection by Wilbur Waiter and says, Do you call this pig?.
Which end of the fork are you referring to?, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Q: How many men does it take to change A Toilet Roll?.
A: Nobody knows, its never happened before!.
Q: Is there any difference between a vulture and Your Mother-In-Law?.
A: Yes, the vulture waits until your dead!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
A quick note: I've noticed over the last few months that i've become quite addicted to Blogging, which has left me little or no time to follow other pursuits. Beginning next week Random Humour For Grown Ups is moving to a new home on Tuesday mornings until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 092: Loiter.
Demons of the night.
Loiter around your bedroom.
Howling for your soul.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Billy Tea.
Its been two years since Lucas Lavender and Josh Juniper took over the running of the Contention Firewood Supply. In that time neither of them have gone on holidays or even had a weekend off. On friday morning Lucas and Josh follow the same routine as they have done for the last two years when Josh pipes up and says, I was thinking last night, when it dawned on me that we haven't had a break in the two years since we took over this business, its been flat chat seven days a week, we deserve a weekend off to go camping.
Has it really been that long, my how time flies when you're having fun, replies Lucas.
I wouldn't call it fun its been a hard slog.
So what do you have in mind?.
After the last delivery this afternoon lets load up one of the utes with our camping gear and head off to the Contention National Park before first light tomorrow morning.
Ok we'll take the weekend off and go camping.
Before first light next morning Lucas and Josh take off down the misty main road in their ute that is chock-a-block with camping gear. Just as the sun peeps above the tree tops, they turn off the main road, through the wide gates and enter the Contention National Park, zip down a bumpy road full of potholes filled with murky water right to the end where it meets the Contention River.
Where do ya reckon is a good spot to set up camp?, asks Lucas.
Near those clump of bushes should do, but not to close to the river we don't want to be flooded out should it rain cats and dogs. Lucas pulls up beside the clump of bushes and they begin to unload the ute and set up camp.
I'll wander around and collect a bundle of firewood for the fire so we can boil the billy for a brew, says Lucas.
While you're doing that i'll hunt around for a number of stones to build a fire place with, says Josh.
When that's done i think it would be time for a spot of fishing, hopefully we'll catch enough fish for tonights dinner.
When the fire dies down to glowing red coals Lucas rests a billy full of water on the warm stones, adds one spoonful of tea leaves for each person and one for the billy. Grabbing their fishing rods, tackle box and bait from the ute they wander along the skinny winding track toward the river. Within an hour they have landed four river trout between them.
I think four will do us for now, says Lucas.
I could go a brew right about now anyway, replies Josh.
With that they pack up their fishing gear and make their way back to the campsite and stash their fishing gear in the ute, wander over to the nearly dead campfire, where Lucas grabs a small slim branch, lifts the billy off the warm stones then in turn lifts off the lid, peers inside only to find tea leaves remain.
Well don't that beat all some mongrel has drunk our brew, says Lucas.
How low can ya get, replies Josh.
Not to worry i'll have a special surprise for the mongrel tomorrow.
What's a special surprise?.
You'll have to wait and see.
Next morning Lucas fills the billy with water, adds the tea leaves and is about to add his special surprise but stops when Josh walks up and stands beside him and asks, what's this special surprise of yours you've got cooked up?.
Stroll over to the ute and grab our rifles and ammo, says Lucas.
I take it we're going rabbit hunting, replies Josh.
Yep, we sure are.
While Josh strolls over to the ute Lucas adds his special surprise to the billy, sprints over to Josh, grabs his rifle and drags Josh through the bushes for a couple hours of rabbit hunting. After bagging three good sized rabbits they decide to head back to the campsite to see if the same mongrel has drunk their brew again. Crashing through the bushes they both sprint to the campfire along the way Lucas grabs the steel barbeque tongs, lifts off the billy's lid to find the brew hasn't be drunk, he then dips the tongs in the billy's water feeling around for his special surprise that is his spare set of mouldy false teeth, lifts 'em out to show Josh.
My special surprise worked a treat, says Lucas.
Ya not wrong, i don't think anyone will be game enough to drink our brew again, yuk!, disgusting, replies Josh.
I'll make a fresh brew while you're skinning and gutting the rabbits, by the time you've finished it should be well and truely brewed.
Came across this story in the newspaper which actually happened the real parts are the false teeth and the billy tea. Once again my bizarre mind went into overdrive adding bits and pieces here and there. Would you drink billy tea after somebody's mouldy false teeth were placed in it, i know i wouldn't yuk!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Has it really been that long, my how time flies when you're having fun, replies Lucas.
I wouldn't call it fun its been a hard slog.
So what do you have in mind?.
After the last delivery this afternoon lets load up one of the utes with our camping gear and head off to the Contention National Park before first light tomorrow morning.
Ok we'll take the weekend off and go camping.
Before first light next morning Lucas and Josh take off down the misty main road in their ute that is chock-a-block with camping gear. Just as the sun peeps above the tree tops, they turn off the main road, through the wide gates and enter the Contention National Park, zip down a bumpy road full of potholes filled with murky water right to the end where it meets the Contention River.
Where do ya reckon is a good spot to set up camp?, asks Lucas.
Near those clump of bushes should do, but not to close to the river we don't want to be flooded out should it rain cats and dogs. Lucas pulls up beside the clump of bushes and they begin to unload the ute and set up camp.
I'll wander around and collect a bundle of firewood for the fire so we can boil the billy for a brew, says Lucas.
While you're doing that i'll hunt around for a number of stones to build a fire place with, says Josh.
When that's done i think it would be time for a spot of fishing, hopefully we'll catch enough fish for tonights dinner.
When the fire dies down to glowing red coals Lucas rests a billy full of water on the warm stones, adds one spoonful of tea leaves for each person and one for the billy. Grabbing their fishing rods, tackle box and bait from the ute they wander along the skinny winding track toward the river. Within an hour they have landed four river trout between them.
I think four will do us for now, says Lucas.
I could go a brew right about now anyway, replies Josh.
With that they pack up their fishing gear and make their way back to the campsite and stash their fishing gear in the ute, wander over to the nearly dead campfire, where Lucas grabs a small slim branch, lifts the billy off the warm stones then in turn lifts off the lid, peers inside only to find tea leaves remain.
Well don't that beat all some mongrel has drunk our brew, says Lucas.
How low can ya get, replies Josh.
Not to worry i'll have a special surprise for the mongrel tomorrow.
What's a special surprise?.
You'll have to wait and see.
Next morning Lucas fills the billy with water, adds the tea leaves and is about to add his special surprise but stops when Josh walks up and stands beside him and asks, what's this special surprise of yours you've got cooked up?.
Stroll over to the ute and grab our rifles and ammo, says Lucas.
I take it we're going rabbit hunting, replies Josh.
Yep, we sure are.
While Josh strolls over to the ute Lucas adds his special surprise to the billy, sprints over to Josh, grabs his rifle and drags Josh through the bushes for a couple hours of rabbit hunting. After bagging three good sized rabbits they decide to head back to the campsite to see if the same mongrel has drunk their brew again. Crashing through the bushes they both sprint to the campfire along the way Lucas grabs the steel barbeque tongs, lifts off the billy's lid to find the brew hasn't be drunk, he then dips the tongs in the billy's water feeling around for his special surprise that is his spare set of mouldy false teeth, lifts 'em out to show Josh.
My special surprise worked a treat, says Lucas.
Ya not wrong, i don't think anyone will be game enough to drink our brew again, yuk!, disgusting, replies Josh.
I'll make a fresh brew while you're skinning and gutting the rabbits, by the time you've finished it should be well and truely brewed.
Came across this story in the newspaper which actually happened the real parts are the false teeth and the billy tea. Once again my bizarre mind went into overdrive adding bits and pieces here and there. Would you drink billy tea after somebody's mouldy false teeth were placed in it, i know i wouldn't yuk!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 091: Meandering.
Up Meandering path.
Snow crunches under my feet.
Up to the back door.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: 50 Legs, A Ten Foot Fence and a Fixed Meal Menu.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What has 50 Legs but can't walk?.
A: Half a centipede!.
I bought this horse from you because you said he could jump as high as a Ten Foot Fence, thruth is he can't jump at all, says Clarry.
Well, neither can a Ten Foot Fence!, says Harry.
Ernie and Kate are on holidays and are staying at the Contention Hotel for two weeks which includes a Fixed Meal Menu chosen by Ernie and Kate.
Its room 666 here and we're ready for our dinner of lobsters and caviar, says Ernie, whose on the phone to room service.
Half an hour later there's a knock on the door and Wally Waiter shouts room service, Ernie wanders over followed by Kate, opens the door and spies what's on the plates and says, We didn't order sardines and coleslaw we ordered lobsters and caviar from the Fixed Meal Menu.
Sadly we're all out of lobsters and caviar today sir, replies Wally Waiter, with a sly smirk on his puss.
Could we at least have potato salad instead tasteless coleslaw?.
Sorry, no substitutions allowed!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What has 50 Legs but can't walk?.
A: Half a centipede!.
I bought this horse from you because you said he could jump as high as a Ten Foot Fence, thruth is he can't jump at all, says Clarry.
Well, neither can a Ten Foot Fence!, says Harry.
Ernie and Kate are on holidays and are staying at the Contention Hotel for two weeks which includes a Fixed Meal Menu chosen by Ernie and Kate.
Its room 666 here and we're ready for our dinner of lobsters and caviar, says Ernie, whose on the phone to room service.
Half an hour later there's a knock on the door and Wally Waiter shouts room service, Ernie wanders over followed by Kate, opens the door and spies what's on the plates and says, We didn't order sardines and coleslaw we ordered lobsters and caviar from the Fixed Meal Menu.
Sadly we're all out of lobsters and caviar today sir, replies Wally Waiter, with a sly smirk on his puss.
Could we at least have potato salad instead tasteless coleslaw?.
Sorry, no substitutions allowed!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 090: Slithers.
Time Slithers away.
Daylight is slowly fading.
Nighttime emerges.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Funky Anagrams.
What is an Anagram?, its a word or phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.
Rearrange STUFFED SARDINES and you get: DISASTER SNUFFED.
Rearrange CONVERSATION and you get: VOICES RANT ON.
Rearrange DISNEYLAND and you get: LADY SINNED.
Rearrange DEBIT CARD and you get: BAD CREDIT.
Rearrange MADRID, SPAIN and you get: IS DAMP DRAIN.
Rearrange THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES and you get: SLITHERY EVIL BIBLE HELL.
Which Anagram is your favourite?.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Rearrange STUFFED SARDINES and you get: DISASTER SNUFFED.
Rearrange CONVERSATION and you get: VOICES RANT ON.
Rearrange DISNEYLAND and you get: LADY SINNED.
Rearrange DEBIT CARD and you get: BAD CREDIT.
Rearrange MADRID, SPAIN and you get: IS DAMP DRAIN.
Rearrange THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES and you get: SLITHERY EVIL BIBLE HELL.
Which Anagram is your favourite?.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Fair Dinkum Haiku 089: Desolate.
Lonely mountain peak.
Desolate for miles around.
Fierce cold wind biting.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Buns, A Name Tag, Dead End.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What type of dance do Buns do?.
A: Abundance!.
The Contention Nursing Home has arranged an outing to the Contention Zoo and each resident is handed A Name Tag with their name on it.
Do ya know what the draw back is when you get old?, asks Jock.
I haven't a clue, replies Clarry.
When you're given A Name Tag and you have to pin it on yourself upside down so you don't forget who you are!.
Q: Why did the employee quit his at the mortuary?.
A: Because its a Dead End job!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What type of dance do Buns do?.
A: Abundance!.
The Contention Nursing Home has arranged an outing to the Contention Zoo and each resident is handed A Name Tag with their name on it.
Do ya know what the draw back is when you get old?, asks Jock.
I haven't a clue, replies Clarry.
When you're given A Name Tag and you have to pin it on yourself upside down so you don't forget who you are!.
Q: Why did the employee quit his at the mortuary?.
A: Because its a Dead End job!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
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